Oh the ol' days.
.
Complications and stress and blood and tears and a haze of pills and booze and pot.
.
I miss it. But I most definitely don't miss it.
.
The unreality is appealing, but only because of the tricks. Like a kid, being offered a lollipop by a pedo. She sees no harm, she sees the good. She sees the sweet and the generosity.
.
That is, until she see the ugly and bad, and the devious.
.
And still, It knows nothing at all
Regretting the deceptive truth of It's lies
Forget about redemption
I love to be the one to tell you It's a liar
I'm in it
It's not here.
.
#dosed
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Destination Unknown
Me and my friend were going dancing tonight, but we ended up at a bar, having a very interesting conversation with a couple there.
.
I hope tomorrow to actually dance, but tonight was hella fun.
.
I'm so used to talking to myself that it took me a while to realize that now I have people to talk to.
.
#sugoisugoi
.
Going to sleep. Lots to do today.
.
I hope tomorrow to actually dance, but tonight was hella fun.
.
I'm so used to talking to myself that it took me a while to realize that now I have people to talk to.
.
#sugoisugoi
.
Going to sleep. Lots to do today.
Friday, May 21, 2010
0800-health
I keep forgetting I have this thing u.u
.
Oh well...
.
My hand hurts, I scratched it, looks ugly, but kinda cool.
.
#freakyeahwhatever
.
I'm almost healthy again #yae\o/
.
Not completely, but almost. I have a few papers to do that are giving me a headache, but I can't wait to see the final result.
.
And whenever I fall at your feet, do let your tears rain down on me... love this song.
.
I'm not going to the #hellmouth this weekend [like I give a shit], cause of the papers. And next weekend I won't either. I have class, on a beautiful saturday morning [better than #hellmouth at least].
.
I wanna go dancing saturday. I really #really really do. I miss getting wasted and dancing like there's no tomorrow u.u
.
I dunno, nothing special to say, I've been just plain sick the last few days. Barely been to class at all. But at least I'm here, not #there. That's all the good news I need.
.
And I'm confused, I guess.
.
Nah, not really, I'm just needy. So everything looks hella good for me u.u
.
But it really isn't. I just gotta keep that in mind.
.
Oh yeah, I've watched Alice. It sucks =_=. Great acting, great directing, great make-up and wardrobe, but #lamelamelame story u.u'
.
Going to bed, coughing like a bitch.
.
#nightie
.
Oh well...
.
My hand hurts, I scratched it, looks ugly, but kinda cool.
.
#freakyeahwhatever
.
I'm almost healthy again #yae\o/
.
Not completely, but almost. I have a few papers to do that are giving me a headache, but I can't wait to see the final result.
.
And whenever I fall at your feet, do let your tears rain down on me... love this song.
.
I'm not going to the #hellmouth this weekend [like I give a shit], cause of the papers. And next weekend I won't either. I have class, on a beautiful saturday morning [better than #hellmouth at least].
.
I wanna go dancing saturday. I really #really really do. I miss getting wasted and dancing like there's no tomorrow u.u
.
I dunno, nothing special to say, I've been just plain sick the last few days. Barely been to class at all. But at least I'm here, not #there. That's all the good news I need.
.
And I'm confused, I guess.
.
Nah, not really, I'm just needy. So everything looks hella good for me u.u
.
But it really isn't. I just gotta keep that in mind.
.
Oh yeah, I've watched Alice. It sucks =_=. Great acting, great directing, great make-up and wardrobe, but #lamelamelame story u.u'
.
Going to bed, coughing like a bitch.
.
#nightie
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Conversations with dead people
Test went okay, I think. It was easier than I would've expect it.
.
Was going to watch Alice, but me and Paty decided to go to Augusta instead. Ate and drank in a cute little place called Athenas. We talked for hours.
.
Tomorrow we're going dancing. At least, that's what I hope we're doing u.u
.
I'm really tired. Went to bed almost 4 am last night. Studying? Nope. Watching friends and chatting. Shame on me u.u. I'm gonna go to bed now. Just wanted to update this thing first.
.
Got some things in my head, but I'm not sure I want to talk about it.
.
The good thing about thinking and writing in english is that no one will read this. But still, tonight I'm kinda dosed.
.
I'm not sure what I want right now. I wish I could.. But I can't. I don't even know if I want to. Or if it's time. If I'm ready.
.
I just miss some things. And those are hard things to get back.
.
Maybe I'll just say screw it all and let it go for one night. I'll probably regreat it. I wish I wasn't such a hopeless romantic. It would make my life a hell lot easier, that's for sure u.u
.
But whatever. Maybe, if I'm happy enough, and drunk enough, attracted enough... who knows. I'll just wait and see.
.
Was going to watch Alice, but me and Paty decided to go to Augusta instead. Ate and drank in a cute little place called Athenas. We talked for hours.
.
Tomorrow we're going dancing. At least, that's what I hope we're doing u.u
.
I'm really tired. Went to bed almost 4 am last night. Studying? Nope. Watching friends and chatting. Shame on me u.u. I'm gonna go to bed now. Just wanted to update this thing first.
.
Got some things in my head, but I'm not sure I want to talk about it.
.
The good thing about thinking and writing in english is that no one will read this. But still, tonight I'm kinda dosed.
.
I'm not sure what I want right now. I wish I could.. But I can't. I don't even know if I want to. Or if it's time. If I'm ready.
.
I just miss some things. And those are hard things to get back.
.
Maybe I'll just say screw it all and let it go for one night. I'll probably regreat it. I wish I wasn't such a hopeless romantic. It would make my life a hell lot easier, that's for sure u.u
.
But whatever. Maybe, if I'm happy enough, and drunk enough, attracted enough... who knows. I'll just wait and see.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Memoir
I've lost the habit of posting, of writting, of marking.
.
I forget I even own a blog anymore.
.
Okay, it's new... understandable.
.
But, with my so-called memory I should probably keep records of my life, my thoughts, especially because they might slip away from me in a few weeks, months...
.
My doctor said I might not even have the fucking thing, but the attack still messed up my brain pretty bad.
.
It sucks not to remember. At the same time it's a blessing. The timing was, I must say, perfect u.u
.
Not to remember details of it, of them, of everything. It helped.
.
But still...
.
I miss some of my memories. People come to me and say "hey, do you remember that time, when we were young and...". I don't remember anymore. And when I do, is like I'm having a memory of a movie with me in it. I remember the event, but I don't remember any feelings or thoughts or sensations. It's like I wasn't there. A stolen memory of someone just like me.
.
It's weird. And quite annoying.
.
Sometimes I wish I could take so much back. But, if I did, maybe I wouldn't be who I am today. No, I probably wouldn't. I like who I am now. I wish I could take it all back, but still have my current inner self.
.
Impossible, though.
.
It's okay, I've learned to live with it. I guess. It still hurt pretty bad from time to time. But I manage. I'm no beginner at pain related subjects. But, whatever.
.
I'm used to talking to myself. I do that a lot. Okay, all the time. It's weird to put my thoughts into coherent sentences, or as coherent as they can be, at least u.u
.
But it's nice, I guess. Maybe in a few months I'll read this and think to myself "crazy bitch, what da hell were you talking about". I certainly hope so.
.
I should be studying right now. Yet, I'm not u.u Typical
.
I really regreat my scars. I wish I hadn't done 'em. Not just for the obvious reasons, but because people stare, and ask, and wonder, and joke. I wish I could hide 'em, but I'm so used to it that I forget all about them, until someone starts pointing at it with huge eyes.
.
But there's nothing I can do now.
.
Sometimes I wonder what drove me there. But then I remember. I'm scared of it. I don't ever wanna go back to that place. Those 5/6 years really screwed me up, for good. I'm better now, most definetely, but I don't know what I would do if I had to return to that point. I can't take misery now that I've known happiness. Before, misery, despair, depression, it was all just part of my day, trivial even. Sometimes it was bad, others, really bad. But now I'm actually happy, and looking forward to having a life, and actually living.
.
I can barely visit them without losing my mind. If I could, I'd never, ever, ever, come back. For anything at all. I'd just leave it all behind, gladly.
.
But I can't, not yet, anyway. At least it's just a few days of darkness this time. Compared to 24/7 I'm in heaven.
.
Well, now I'm just stretching too much. I've updated this thing, that's all I needed.
.
I need to go to bed, I have a test tomorrow [that I will most certainly fail, tw u.u]
.
Note to self: STUDY NEXT TIME YOU STUPID CUNT!
.
Little harsh, maybe. But it might get me to do it ['might' being the word of the moment].
.
Anyway. Okay, diary stuff. Nails, hair, art's history paper. no study. #tsktsk
.
Done.
.
I forget I even own a blog anymore.
.
Okay, it's new... understandable.
.
But, with my so-called memory I should probably keep records of my life, my thoughts, especially because they might slip away from me in a few weeks, months...
.
My doctor said I might not even have the fucking thing, but the attack still messed up my brain pretty bad.
.
It sucks not to remember. At the same time it's a blessing. The timing was, I must say, perfect u.u
.
Not to remember details of it, of them, of everything. It helped.
.
But still...
.
I miss some of my memories. People come to me and say "hey, do you remember that time, when we were young and...". I don't remember anymore. And when I do, is like I'm having a memory of a movie with me in it. I remember the event, but I don't remember any feelings or thoughts or sensations. It's like I wasn't there. A stolen memory of someone just like me.
.
It's weird. And quite annoying.
.
Sometimes I wish I could take so much back. But, if I did, maybe I wouldn't be who I am today. No, I probably wouldn't. I like who I am now. I wish I could take it all back, but still have my current inner self.
.
Impossible, though.
.
It's okay, I've learned to live with it. I guess. It still hurt pretty bad from time to time. But I manage. I'm no beginner at pain related subjects. But, whatever.
.
I'm used to talking to myself. I do that a lot. Okay, all the time. It's weird to put my thoughts into coherent sentences, or as coherent as they can be, at least u.u
.
But it's nice, I guess. Maybe in a few months I'll read this and think to myself "crazy bitch, what da hell were you talking about". I certainly hope so.
.
I should be studying right now. Yet, I'm not u.u Typical
.
I really regreat my scars. I wish I hadn't done 'em. Not just for the obvious reasons, but because people stare, and ask, and wonder, and joke. I wish I could hide 'em, but I'm so used to it that I forget all about them, until someone starts pointing at it with huge eyes.
.
But there's nothing I can do now.
.
Sometimes I wonder what drove me there. But then I remember. I'm scared of it. I don't ever wanna go back to that place. Those 5/6 years really screwed me up, for good. I'm better now, most definetely, but I don't know what I would do if I had to return to that point. I can't take misery now that I've known happiness. Before, misery, despair, depression, it was all just part of my day, trivial even. Sometimes it was bad, others, really bad. But now I'm actually happy, and looking forward to having a life, and actually living.
.
I can barely visit them without losing my mind. If I could, I'd never, ever, ever, come back. For anything at all. I'd just leave it all behind, gladly.
.
But I can't, not yet, anyway. At least it's just a few days of darkness this time. Compared to 24/7 I'm in heaven.
.
Well, now I'm just stretching too much. I've updated this thing, that's all I needed.
.
I need to go to bed, I have a test tomorrow [that I will most certainly fail, tw u.u]
.
Note to self: STUDY NEXT TIME YOU STUPID CUNT!
.
Little harsh, maybe. But it might get me to do it ['might' being the word of the moment].
.
Anyway. Okay, diary stuff. Nails, hair, art's history paper. no study. #tsktsk
.
Done.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Cough Cough! Excuse me.
What can you say about the people surrounding you? Your friends, your lover, your family?
.
What do you know about them? Really know.
.
I'll bet you that if you dig deep, you'll find things that have never even crossed your mind. Things like fury, and ugliness, despair, and maybe even some colors, mixed within.
.
We can say we truly know someone, but we never do. Though we'll never admit it, of course.
.
Who'll be the first to say that maybe, just maybe, that best friend of yours doesn't think you're all that great? Or that your mother doesn't think you'll make it?
.
Meanwhile, that random person who just happened to walk by you on her way to work, looked at you, and realized you were unsatisfied. Not that she's gonna stop doing her things to help you. That would be nonsense. She's got stuff to do. And so do you.
.
But she noticed. She saw you. She cared, even if just for a micro-second.
.
That should be enough. And yet, it isn't.
.
We don't want people to know everything about us, but we fight them when they don't. We wanna have secrets, and when someone dares not to know them, it means they weren't paying attention.
.
How's that for a logical being?
.
Contradictions and absurds. We don't want to share. But we always do. We can't stand listening. But we want to witness. Long conversations. Short memories.
.
We don't care. We just pretend we do.
.
You know, because it's politically correct and all that shit.
.
I care, I think. At least I try to. Not that it makes any difference, once we're all trying. But they're trying because it's politically correct, and all that shit.
.
Why are you?
.
.
What do you know about them? Really know.
.
I'll bet you that if you dig deep, you'll find things that have never even crossed your mind. Things like fury, and ugliness, despair, and maybe even some colors, mixed within.
.
We can say we truly know someone, but we never do. Though we'll never admit it, of course.
.
Who'll be the first to say that maybe, just maybe, that best friend of yours doesn't think you're all that great? Or that your mother doesn't think you'll make it?
.
Meanwhile, that random person who just happened to walk by you on her way to work, looked at you, and realized you were unsatisfied. Not that she's gonna stop doing her things to help you. That would be nonsense. She's got stuff to do. And so do you.
.
But she noticed. She saw you. She cared, even if just for a micro-second.
.
That should be enough. And yet, it isn't.
.
We don't want people to know everything about us, but we fight them when they don't. We wanna have secrets, and when someone dares not to know them, it means they weren't paying attention.
.
How's that for a logical being?
.
Contradictions and absurds. We don't want to share. But we always do. We can't stand listening. But we want to witness. Long conversations. Short memories.
.
We don't care. We just pretend we do.
.
You know, because it's politically correct and all that shit.
.
I care, I think. At least I try to. Not that it makes any difference, once we're all trying. But they're trying because it's politically correct, and all that shit.
.
Why are you?
.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
